The Drunken Scotsman

If you’re a traveler, you’ve probably encountered a drunken Scotsman before. Except, you were probably in a pub or maybe out in broad daylight. My first encounter with a a drunken Scotsman? Well, that was in a shared hostel room in Zagreb.

When I checked into the hostel I was the first one in my room. There were four beds and I was assigned the top bunk closest to the door. After roaming about the city, I returned to settle in for the night. The first few nights weren’t so bad. When two other guests checked in, the only thing I could think was how much I wanted to pop my head over the side of the bunk and scare them! They didn’t know I was there… Someday I hope I’ll gather the courage to actually do it. As stupid and juvenile as it is, I think it would make a hilarious story to tell my future children!

Anyway, one of the two guests was another girl from California who was assigned the top bunk across from me. The second was a guy from someplace else in Europe and was assigned the bed below her. Obviously that left the bed right below me open for any fellow traveler to rent.

The Scotsman checked in two nights before I was supposed to leave the hostel. I didn’t see him for the rest of the night and I didn’t think anything of it because, quite frankly, I don’t really care what my fellow travelers get up to. I pretty much mind my own business.

That night he rolled in somewhere between 12 AM and 2 AM, drunk and super loud, waking us all up as he got ready to go back out. He sprayed some terrible smelling body spray, which he used in excess. I’m pretty sure his excessive use of something so putrid can be considered a heinous crime in some countries. He returned between 3 AM and 4 AM, more drunk, more loud and woke us all up, yet again. At one point the guy actually lost his balance and fell into the wall while trying to take his shoes off because, instead of being a normal human being who sits down on the bed to take his shoes off, he grabs the top rail (which is the side of my bunk) and holds on to that for dear life as he tries to pry his shoes off with his feet… I wanted to slap his knuckles with a ruler!

Instead, I got up and had the on-duty reception staff speak to him. The guy didn’t want to change rooms right then and the staff had to repeatedly tell him he needed to be quiet. The guy just did not get it at all. He tried to talk back to the staff and make excuses and he started laughing when the staff told him to be quiet. The staff said, “It’s not funny.” and the guy laughed again. By the way, his Scottish accent becomes downright unintelligible when he’s drunk!

The staff promised to put him in another room for the next night.

Oh, did I mention he only slept in his underwear on top of his sheets and blankets? And if you’re covered in tattoos can you still be considered naked? Okay, so he wasn’t really covered in tattoos from what I saw when I passed him to flee the room. I only saw tattoos on his arm. But still. Part of me wished I had a long stick so I could have poked him awake every time he fell asleep. Then he’d wake up and be confused because he wouldn’t see anyone standing in front of him. His feet smelled so bad it made his body spray smell as though it were a newly blossomed rose in springtime! Who needs smelling salts to stay awake when the drunk guy in the bunk below you has stinky feet…

Somewhere in Seinfeld’s Bizarro world there’s a version of me that’s doing horrible things to rude people like him.

In case you were wondering, no, the drunk, stinky footed Scottish man was not moved to another room. I was anticipating another long, sleepless night as I went downstairs to the reception desk to inquire about him being moved. I saw the drunkard in the bar and asked reception, “Is that the guy from my room?” (just to make sure) and the guy in reception says, “Yes.” So I say to him, “He’s supposed to be moved to another room.” After checking the computer he replies, “No, it says here that you can have a private room at no extra charge if you want.”

What do you think I said? The bed was larger and it had a private bathroom as well. SCORE!!!

I never saw that disgusting, stinky footed, drunk Scotsman ever again.

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